Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened,
stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is
opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have
ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out
and think about several things. This is particularly
important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito
season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.
Chairs and Rugs:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you
cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is
no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the
carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the
human's bare foot.
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary
to do anything . . . just sit and stare.
If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and
the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called
"helping", otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the
rules for "hampering":
cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You
cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of
being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
For book readers, get in close under the
chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across
the book itself.
For knitting projects or paperwork, lie
on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to
obscure as much of the work or at least the most
important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often
reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The
worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the
aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint
projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans
may tell you.
For people paying bills (monthly
activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards
(annual activity), keep in mind the aim-to hamper!
First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged,
watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity
proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering
them to the best of your ability. After being removed
for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off
the table, one at a time. When a human is holding the
newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the
back of the paper. They love to jump.
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible
in front of the human, especially on stairs, when they have
something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first
get up in the morning. This will help their coordination
Always sleep on the human at night so she/he cannot move
This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in
the daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below
are listed several favorite cat games that you can play. It
is important, though, to maintain one's dignity at all
times. If you should have an accident during play, such as
falling off a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as
if to say "I meant to do that!"! It fools those humans
The humans would have you believe that those lumps under
the covers are their feet and hands. They are lying.
They are actually Bed Mice, rumored to be the most
delicious of all the mice in the world, though no cat
has ever been able to catch one. Rumor also has it that
only the most ferocious attack can stun them long enough
for you to dive under the covers to get them. Maybe YOU
can be the first to taste the Bed Mouse!
King of the Hill:
This game must be played with at least one other cat.
The more, the merrier! One or both of the sleeping
humans is Hill 303 which must be defended at all costs
from the other cat(s). Anything goes. This game allows
for the development of unusual tactics as one must take
the unstable playing theater into account.
Playing either of these games to
excess will result in expulsion from the bed and
possibly from the bedroom. Should the humans grow
restless, immediately begin purring and cuddle up to
them. This should buy you some time until they fall
asleep again. If one happens to be on a human when this
occurs, this cat wins the round of King of the Hill.
Any small item is a potential toy. If a human tries to
confiscate it, this means that it is a good toy. Run with it
under the bed. Look suitably outraged when the human grabs
you and takes it away. Always watch where it is put so you
can steal it later. Two reliable sources of toys are dresser
tops and wastebaskets. There are several types of cat toys.
Bright shiny things like keys, brooches,
or coins should be hidden so that the other cat(s) or
humans can't play with them. They are generally good for
playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors.
Dangly and/or string-like things such as
shoelaces, cords, gold chains, and dental floss (&
Q-tips) also make excellent toys. They are favorites of
humans who like to drag them across the floor for us to
When a string is dragged under a
newspaper or throw rug, it magically becomes the
Paper/Rug Mouse and should be killed at all costs. Take
care, though. Humans are sneaky and will try to make you
lose your dignity.
Within paper bags dwell the bag mice. They are small and
camouflaged to be the same color as the bag, so they are
hard to see. But you can easily hear the crinkling noises
they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything, up to and
including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them. Note:
any other cat you may find in a bag hunting for bag mice is
fair game for a sneak attack, which will usually result in a
In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat
must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other
half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food:
convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed
now; and hunting for it oneself. The following are
guidelines for getting fed.
When the humans are eating, make sure
you leave the tip of your tail in their dishes when they
are not looking.
Never eat food from your own bowl if you
can steal some from the table. Never drink from your own
water bowl if a human's glass is full enough to drink
Should you catch something of your own
outside, it is only polite to attempt to get to know it.
Be insistent. Your food will usually not be so polite
and try to leave.
Table scraps are
delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately
unwilling to readily part. It is beneath the dignity of
a cat to beg outright for food as lower forms of life
such as dogs will, but several techniques exist for
ensuring that the humans don't forget you exist. These
include, but are not limited to: jumping onto the lap of
the "softest" human and
purring loudly; lying down in the doorway between
the dining room and the kitchen, the "direct stare", and
twining around people's legs as they sit and eat while
As mentioned above, in order to have enough energy for
playing, a cat must get plenty of sleep. It is generally not
difficult to find a comfortable place to curl up. Any place
a human likes to sit is good, especially if it contrasts
with your fur color. If it's in a sunbeam or near a heating
duct or radiator, so much the better. Of course, good places
also exist outdoors, but have the disadvantages of being
seasonal and dependent on current and previous weather
conditions such as rain. Open windows are a good compromise.
It is advised that cats use any scratching post the humans
may provide. They are very protective of what they think is
their property and will object strongly if they catch you
sharpening your claws on it. Being sneaky and doing it when
they aren't around won't help, as they are very observant.
If you are an outdoor kitty, trees are good. Sharpening your
claws on a human is not recommended.
Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play
with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box.
It is important to maintain one's Dignity when around humans
so that they will not forget who is the master of the house.
Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you
start early and are consistent.
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